I take on a lot, and each night , I give thanks for the skills and faith given to me, I give thanks for all the merit of this day serving all beings.
I say prayers for loving kindness, forgiveness, strength, intersession for all kinds of things.
And I pray to let go of it all, as it is time for me to sleep, sleep well, as tomorrow is another day.
I want to say, I did all I can do, now it's your's god.
This is my Faith. Knowing, fully knowing and believing in the goodness, love, kindness and compassion that is unseen, unmeasurable, exalted, and abundant.
I'm dependent on building resilience for this.
Outward signs are not so good. Cultural norms are oppressive, abusive and worse.
The practice is to remain fully present to what is, even as evil is cast around me, and address what is, with love, kindness and compassion - to myself and others- no matter what..
I've been though a 5 year period of good times and bad, since my last extended silent retreat, and through grace, practice and prayer I have built up my resilient zone to take on almost anything- for myself and others- abuse, abandonment, neglect, violence of all kinds, and still function fully, sustainablely, and with love and compassion for all.
The combination of resilience and faith has enabled me to do more than I ever thought possible, for myself and others.
The past few months I have had to be honest with myself that this is no longer the case.
My resilient zone is shrinking.
I am tired, burnt out, angry.
Time for retreat.
My change platitude:
Change can come about by falling in love, or chaos. I find falling in love preferable.
And right now, love is not enough for me without faith.
Faith can encompass love, hate, disbelief, darkness, evil, terror, isolation and lead you to a place where you can lead in love, and at least hold the space for that to happen.
Time for retreat.
Time to hang out- just me and god, until I feel ready to go back into the world with the same ease that I feel when I am in prayer and meditation.
Persistence with shrinking resilience will lead to resistance which will lead to suffering.
I give myself permission to persist into retreat, to relax, renew, be open to the possibility of renaming my relationship in oneness with all beings, myself and the earth.
My five years of advocacy and accompaniment of women and children experiencing violence, abuse, abandonment and neglect, I see the toll this takes on the soul, self worth and esteem.
Abuse can progress to where those experiencing abuse need permission to exist.
People can need the welcome that can enlarge their world beyond the visible outer circumstances.
They need the welcome that can widen the walls around their suffering and lead them to paths of safety and wholeness.
They need physically and spiritually to be saved from suffocation.
I have been and want to continue to be a part of this welcome, and right now I cannot.
Words cannot express the gratitude I feel to be able to arrange this for myself before I am harmed or harm someone else, from my own, fear, attachments and aversion.
Time for retreat.
I will take these vows;
I will observe noble silence.
I will do nothing that clouds the mind.
I will take only what is freely given.
My intention for the retreat is to be fully present.
I'm smiling as I type as my spiritual director reminds me
"Once you have planning the retreat, the retreat has begun."
I have a week or so of tidying up affairs, letting folks know I will not be responding to emails, texts phone, etc, and a brief time of relaxation just for fun.
Please hold me in the Light.
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